These Probably Aren’t in Your History Textbook
We tend to think of Medieval England as a gloomy parade of mud-caked peasants, fire-prone castles, and endless sermons from men in brown robes. And, to be fair, that’s not completely wrong. But there’s more to the Middle Ages than quests for the Holy Grail, or plague, prayer, and pitchforks. From bizarre laws to unexpected hygiene habits, Medieval England had its fair share of surprises.
So polish your goblet, straighten your wimple, and prepare for 10 unexpected facts about Medieval England that will make you look very clever at your next Renaissance fair.
1. People Actually Took Baths
Let’s clear up a stinking misconception: Medieval people did bathe. Regularly.
Sure, they weren’t luxuriating in lavender-scented bubble baths every night, but bathing wasn’t some obscure witchcraft. Public bathhouses were common in English towns during the early Middle Ages, and wealthier households had their own tubs – typically large barrels, which sounds rustic until you remember hot tubs are basically just high-end barrels with jets.
The Black Death and rising fears about water transmitting disease eventually shut most of these bathhouses down. But for a good chunk of the Middle Ages, people were cleaner than you might think. Not minty fresh, but cleaner.
2. Rats Weren’t Actually the Main Villain of the Black Death
While rats have long taken the blame for the bubonic plague – probably because they’re always creeping around looking suspicious – it turns out they may have been wrongly accused. Recent research suggests humans were the real culprits.
The true plague-spreaders? Fleas and lice living on people themselves. In other words, the medieval public health threat wasn’t the rat in the alley – it was the guy next to you in church scratching his armpits.
Yet another reason why pews were wisely spaced.
3. Football Was So Violent, It Was Banned (Repeatedly)
If you think English football fans today are rowdy, you should’ve seen the game 800 years ago. Medieval football – also known as “mob football” – involved entire villages kicking a pig’s bladder across fields, rivers, and possibly rival towns. There were no teams, no rules, and no referees. Injuries were not just common – they were practically the point.
Kings kept banning the sport in an effort to prevent mass brawls and focus military training on more useful things, like archery. But much like modern football, it refused to die.
Fun fact: the ball could be kicked through people’s front doors. Imagine the insurance claims.
4. They Had Animal Trials. Yes, Really.
Medieval England wasn’t just hard on humans. It also had a legal bone to pick with animals.
Pigs, dogs, and even insects could be put on trial for crimes ranging from theft to murder. These animals were assigned legal counsel (a bit of a downgrade from Atticus Finch, admittedly), and the trial would proceed with all the pomp and circumstance you’d expect from a courtroom drama starring a chicken.
This wasn’t a Monty Python sketch. It was the justice system. Apparently, even pigs had the right to a fair trial before being executed for eating someone’s turnips.
5. Peasants Had More Holidays Than You Do
While modern workers scrape together annual leave like it’s a dragon’s hoard, peasants in Medieval England could expect between 50 and 80 holidays a year. Many were religious feast days, and others were dictated by agricultural rhythms.
On these days, work stopped, ale flowed, and revelry was encouraged. So while they didn’t have Netflix or dental care, medieval peasants had a decent work-life balance; unless they were serfs, of course, in which case they were tied to the land like a tent peg.
Still, “Feast of Saint Swithun” sounds more exciting than the average Zoom meeting.
6. Hedgehogs Were Suspected Criminals
You know those cute, spiky little creatures that look like walking hairbrushes? In Medieval England, hedgehogs were accused of stealing milk from cows and eggs from hens. It’s unclear whether they were acting alone or part of an elaborate hedgehog mafia.
Laws were passed to limit their numbers, and bounties were offered for their capture. Sadly, there’s no record of whether the hedgehogs ever got legal representation, unlike the pigs mentioned earlier.
This all proves one thing: in Medieval England, even being adorable didn’t guarantee your innocence.
7. People Feared Pointy Shoes Would Summon the Apocalypse
Fashion in the late Middle Ages became increasingly flamboyant, with noblemen sporting long, pointy shoes called poulaines. These were so absurdly long they had to be tied to the knee to stop wearers from tripping.
But what’s a harmless shoe fad without a good moral panic?
Clergy began to denounce the shoes as unholy, suggesting that the exaggerated points were signs of vanity, decadence, and possibly infernal influence. Some even linked them to Biblical prophecies about the end times. It turns out if the devil wears Prada, he also wears very long shoes.
8. Medieval London Had Public Toilets (Sort Of)
Believe it or not, medieval cities weren’t just open-air cesspits. London, for instance, had public latrines – sometimes multi-seaters over the Thames. How very scenic. Think of it like a riverside café experience, minus the lattes and plus the wafting smell of raw sewage.
These “privies” were surprisingly communal, with little effort made for privacy. You might sit elbow-to-elbow with your neighbor while discussing the weather, taxes, or the finer points of grain storage. Bonding over bowel movements was part of public infrastructure. Quaint, no?
9. Monks Brewed Beer – and Got Tipsy
While monks are often portrayed as ascetic types whispering Latin verses in candlelit cloisters, many of them were also expert brewers. Monasteries brewed ale not only for sustenance but for income – and their beers could pack a punch.
Some monks reportedly became so fond of their product that tipsiness became an occupational hazard. Beer was considered safer than water in many places, and the line between “hydration” and “inebriation” was… negotiable.
Truly, holiness and hops were not mutually exclusive.
10. Women Could Own Businesses – and Did
Despite what your high school textbook implied, medieval women weren’t all silent, barefoot, and stuck in kitchens grinding barley. In towns and cities, many women ran businesses, owned property, and participated in trade guilds.
Widows often inherited their husbands’ shops or continued operating family businesses, becoming quite prosperous in some cases. They worked as brewers, silk weavers, innkeepers, moneylenders, and more. Some even served on juries or as tax collectors.
So while Medieval England wasn’t a feminist utopia, it wasn’t a total patriarchal monolith either. The glass ceiling may have been thatched, but it wasn’t impenetrable.
Wrapping Up the Weirdness of Medieval England
Ah, what more can be said? This was clearly an age that, while often romanticized or vilified, was brimming with unexpected quirks. Beneath the surface of the plague masks and drawbridges was a world full of complexity, humor, and human absurdity.
Next time you think your job is strange, remember there was once a man whose entire role was to legally defend a chicken accused of witchcraft. And somewhere in the archives of history, that guy probably thought, “Well, at least I’m not cleaning the public latrine again.”
